I knew
by Frankie and Avery.dont ask
Summary: BJ/Hawkeye. Probably OOC, a kind of fragment. Hope you like it. a companion piece to Settling Debts.


**Disclaimer: Don't own it. Don't sue me. If I did own it, BJ would have dumped Peg the moment he set foot on the base. Hawkeye is much better for him. **

**Apology: This is awful! It really is. Very OOC, but I can't help myself. I haven't seen enough of M*A*S*H to make it better. I'm only posting it because there isn't enough Bj/hawkeye fanfics out there. (says the Drarry fan). **

**And now on with our regularly scheduled programming…**

I knew, the moment the words were out of my mouth, that something was off. "Why would Peg be writing to Hawkeye?"

There was a quick flash in his eye, of what I still don't know, before he ducked his head. Guilt? Pity, maybe?

It wasn't until a week or so later, when her letter arrived, that I understood. I'd been sitting in the Swamp, sorting through my laundry and Hawk's when Klinger came in. "Letter from the Missus, Cap'in."

I grinned as I reached out for it. It felt light in my hands. He wandered back out the door as I slit the thing open and pulled it out.

_Dear BJ,_

_ I've written to Captain Pierce and he assures me, most vehemently, that I'm wrong in what I'm about to say. However, I know you. I've known you most of my life and I know you're still the same BJ Hunnicutt that you were before you left for this cursed war. That leads me to believe you either haven't realized it yourself or you haven't shared it with your precious Hawkeye. _

_ Hawkeye assures me that you've always been faithful to me, in mind, body, and heart. He's lying, even though he may not know it. BJ, you haven't been faithful to me in heart, have you? Oh, I believe that you haven't strayed physically. That you haven't…consummated any other relationships. But it's not because you don't desire to. I know you're bound by your vows, BJ. You're a man of your word and you wouldn't break your word. I know this. It's not your fault…_

_ Reading this back, I think you may have very little idea what I'm talking about. BJ, whether you know it or not, whether you've told him or not, you aren't in love with me anymore. It's everything but written in the letters you send me. You ask about Erin and your parents. You ask about news from the states. Not about me anymore. You barely say you miss me, when you used to make sure it was on almost every page. More even then that, Everywhere I used to be, Hawkeye is there instead. You love him, BJ. Yes, you say. He's my best friend, you say. Well, he's said the same._

_You are in love with him, BJ. _

_ I can't live like this anymore. I won't wait for a man who doesn't love me anymore. Or maybe it's just that you're not in love with me anymore. "Another idol has replaced me." And I won't…I can't wait for you to come back to me, only to leave your heart somewhere else. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to you. _

_ I'm sending the divorce papers in my next letter. I couldn't send this all to you at once. I couldn't do that to you. I love you, BJ, and I always will. Just promise me that you'll tell him. Promise me that. I hope you find happiness somewhere. Even if it is in that god-forsaken land bathed in blood and soaked in pain. _

_ I love you, BJ._

_ Goodbye,_

_ Peg_

I wish that I'd been sitting, because falling to the ground hurt. My legs refused to hold me up and I simply dropped like a stone to the Swamp's dirt floor. I was still there, rocking back and forth, my mind not accepting or comprehending what'd I'd read, when Hawkeye came back from Post-Op.

He was singing when he threw open the tent door. He cut himself off, "Beej, what would you say—"

I couldn't listen to him. I couldn't. It was his fault, somehow. He'd said something. Or… "What did you say to her, you fucker!"

I launched myself at him and the momentum of my lunge sent both of us back out of the tent. I had my hands around his neck. I smiled viscerally, when I saw the veins just below his jaw start to pop out. I shook him and felt vindication bubble up in my chest. I was going to destroy him, like he destroyed my marriage.

His eyes were wild and confused. It took him three tries, pulling at my hands, but finally he managed, "W-What…are you…talking…about, BJ?"

"My Peg, What the fuck did you say to her, you fucking dick! What did you do?"

He was frowning and gasping and pulling at my hands and trying to breath. I didn't want him breathing. In a moment, as his face changed color from lack of air, it all went. The anger, the hatred, the confusion. All of it. I was empty and only seconds later, darkness came up on both sides of my vision and swallowed me.

The entire camp ran at the explosion of noise that came with BJ's shouts and the sound of Hawkeye landing flat on his back. They came out to watch as the normally docile and sweet Dr. BJ Hunnicutt tried to choke Hawkeye to death. It was over in moments, when BJ's eyes just rolled up in his head and he went limp against the man under him. Hawkeye placed a hand on his shoulder and, gently, rolled the larger man off. He lay there for a moment, trying to catch his breath. He was stunned. He could not comprehend why BJ would do something like that. Finally, shaking himself, Hawkeye climbed to his feet. He looked down at BJ, tempted to simply leave the other lying there in the dirt, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He knelt and scooped Bj up into his arms. The blonde was utterly limp and heavier then he looked. Finally struggling to his feet, he glanced between the Post-Op and the Swamp, deciding the Swamp was closer. "Klinger! Get me something to wake him with! We need to find out what's wrong!"

"Yes, Sir." Klinger clicked his high heels and disappeared into the supply tent. Hawkeye pushed back into the tent as the crowd dispursed. He put BJ on his cot as gently as possible and stepped back. It was then that he noticed the sheet of folded paper that was stirring in the slight wind generated by the door.

Frowning, Hawkeye bent to retrieve the letter. Glancing at BJ, he curled his hand into a fist and relaxed it. He scanned the letter. "Sorry, Beej. I need to know what's wrong."

When Klinger entered the tent, he found BJ lying on his cot, still unconscious, and Hawkeye sitting on the floor, staring a piece of paper. "Hawkeye, what's up, sir?"

Without looking at him, without even seeming to realize he was talking aloud, Hawkeye replied, "I think I know what's wrong with Captain Hunnicutt, Klinger."

Klinger frowned at the use of the doctor's last name. When Klinger asked Hawkeye to explain, he just waved the other off and stared at BJ. Klinger shrugged and left, dropping the ammonia on Hawkeye's cot.

I swam back to consciousness in slow-motion. I'd never fainted like that before and it was a very bizarre sensation. I blinked sluggishly and the Swamp came into focus. I was lying on my cot facing Hawkeye's. It was empty. I shiver, as memories of attacking him flooded my brain. As sound made itself known, I heard the quiet breathing of another person close by and the tap of something against the ground. Trying to keep my focus, I sat slowly. When I finally thought I could manage to take my head from my hands and look around, Hawkeye was sitting between my bed and his, just watching me.

I blinked at him a couple times. The look on his face was terrifying, partly because I couldn't identify it. I inhaled sharply, ready to apologize until I was blue in the face. Trying to come up with some kind of explanation for him. But he cut me off.

"Peg's divorcing you."

I shut my eyes, pushing back the tears. I'd been wrong. It was none of it Hawkeye's fault. The entire mess that was my life was all on me. I nodded, unable to look him in the eye.

"She thinks you're in love with someone else."

I chewed my tongue, but it didn't help. I could feel the dampness on my face. From the stillness that seemed to blanket the Swamp, I could tell Hawk wasn't moving. I could picture that horrible, hollow look on his face. I shuddered, waiting for whatever would come next, waiting for him to say it.

"She thinks you're in love with me."

He said it. I swallowed thickly and nodded. Cowardice tickled my spin and I couldn't look at him. I was coiled tense as a spring.

"Hunnicut, look at me."

I flinched at the use of my last name, but opened my eyes and did as he asked. He was staring at me with that same dead look in his eyes. Something inside me curled up and died. I was going to loose him. Damn Peg to hell, I was going to loose Hawkeye. I'd go completely insane then. I could feel my future, my life, slipping away with every second that he watched me in silence. Nausea was beginning to churn in my stomach.

"BJ, I…I need to know if it's true."

I pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around my knees, like a child. I dropped my head, so I wouldn't have to look at him. I couldn't answer. I just couldn't bring myself to open my mouth and say that one three-letter word. Peg had asked me to, but I found that in that moment I didn't give a fuck about Peg.

"Tell me…Tell me!"

His voice rang with the command. I shivered at the sound. "Yes." My voice was soft, almost inaudible.

There was absolute silence in the Swamp. I could not even hear Hawkeye breathing. I turned my face toward him, feeling the tears that I couldn't force back drip down of the end of my nose. My gut was tied in knots and the bottom had dropped out of my stomach. If he didn't say something, anything, soon, I thought I might pass out again. My breathing was shortening. Each inhalation inched closer to hyperventilation.

"BJ…"

I couldn't stand the tension. Burying my hands in my hair, I tugged harshly, trying to get myself under control. "Yes, alright. Are you happy now? Yes, she's right. Do you want me to flat out say it? I love you, Hawkeye. I'm in love with you and I have been for a very long time." I gritted my teeth and tried to suppress a sob. I tried to curl into myself as tight as I could. "And right now, at this moment, I hate Peg more then I think I've ever hated anyone in my life. I'm finished. It's over. I can't…I…" The tears came in great wracking sobs. I could hear what the shaking of my body was doing to the cot. Hawkeye moved and something fragile inside me shattered. The small movement of him rising to his feet broke me. I began to rock, back and forth, back and forth.

"BJ, what are you talking about, you're finished?" A weight settled on the cot next to me and I froze, one last sob pulling itself from my throat. Just like that, the shattered jaggedness that was my chest mended. He hadn't left the Swamp. There was hope. I tried to squash it. I knew in my head that it meant nothing, but I wondered why he was still willing to be near me, how that he knew the truth.

I looked up and I blinked at him. He was sitting quietly next to me, expression soft. There was no trace of the hollowness from before. I blinked again. I reached up to scrub the wetness from my face, only to realize I hadn't stopped crying. I was a mess, falling apart before Hawk's eyes and he just sat there looking at me. I choked on a sob, but managed to stop it. "Hawk…Hawkeye, you're it. There's only you. You're what keeps me sane in this…hellhole. Without you, I just... I'm…And now you know…Now you're…."

Hawkeye reached forward slowly and took my face in his heads. The motion startled me, even with its sluggishness. The pads of his thumbs brush the tears from beneath my eyes. "Stop. You don't hate Peg. You'd never hate Peg, or really anyone for that matter. BJ, you're stronger then this. Do not let her break you."

I frowned, not understanding. "Hawkeye, did you hear what I said? She's right. I'll say it again. I'm in love with you. It's not her that's broken me. It's you. It's always you. Benjamin Franklin Pierce, my creator and my destroyer." I chuckle mirthlessly.

"I'd never…Beej," The sound of the nickname rolling off his tongue makes my heart stutter. "I…Aw, hell." He leans forward and his mouth is on mine. Everything is falling away. There exists nothing in this world except Hawkeye Pierce's mouth on mine and his hands, one in my hair and the other around the back of my neck, pulling me closer.

When he pulled back, panting slightly, and looked me in the eyes, his smile (a genuine smile, not a smirk or a grin) took the oxygen from my lungs. I was suffocating in him. "Beej, I'd never do that to you. I'm glad she's right. I thought…the way you reacted…I thought you knew. That you knew somehow that I was in love with you. That you thought I told Peg…I don't know, crazy things. Then you were on me and I thought that you'd actually do it. I'd die for your wife. I'd die for you. BJ, you scared the shit out of me. Never do that again."


End file.
